Troubled Domestic Goddess

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As you may have noticed, there’s a new look going on here.  I tend to prefer the dark backgrounds, and also the simple ones, so I just grabbed a basic template.  That photo at the top is mine.  Let me know what you all think!  I expect a few more changes…I’m a tweaker.  Can’t sit still for a minute. :)

Found a new addiction last night, Hulu.com.  Its over folks.  I can watch all my fave shows, that’s just amazing to me.  Especially considering I have no “real” TV, I just get 5, CW, and PBS.  Boring.  I either watch DVDs when I’m in the mood for mindlessness or a few shows that I do enjoy.  But now I can watch them ALL on my computer!  Yup, in one night I became an official Hulu-ite.  Of course, that spawned a new brain child, Television Show Reviews.  Right now I’m giving a synopsis of the show, then my opinion.  That could change. ;)  Go check it out and tell me what you think.  I know, I need to overcome my serious blog addiction…I’m trying to limit myself.  I have to be able to keep up with them all!

Image by Will Montague via Flickr

Some have called me the strongest woman they know.  Others courageous, confident, annoyingly perfect…but according to my inner dialogue, I’m none of these.

I don’t see myself as strong, courageous or even confident, and definitely no where near perfect.  I swear those people have an interesting view of “perfect”.

In fact, I don’t even know who I am anymore.  You might call it the twenties curse.  Let me tell you, I was far more secure as a teenager then now.  I knew who I was, what I wanted, where I was going and how to get there.  In finite detail.  My saying as a teen was that I was “perfectly me”.  I was unstoppable, and not in that annoying teenage “know it all” way.  Even if I have been accused of that now and again.  I don’t know it all, I just know a lot. :)

Then my confidence got shaken…big time.  Emotionally abusive relationships will do that to you.  Of course I didn’t realize that at the time, but that’s neither here nor there.  Many know that I’m a single Mom, but very few know the story that leads up to it.  I don’t talk about it much, in fact I try to avoid all conversation about my ex unless I absolutely have to discuss him.  I blame myself for most of it, from my fatal attraction to Leos (and Scorpios), to not listening to my intuition before saying “I do”, to not leaving sooner, to any number of situations.  I don’t blame other people, I focus on my part and the things I had control over.  I saw it as a “learning experience.”

But I’m not sure now what I learned.  Honestly.  Well, besides how to piss off a Leo male in about .003 seconds flat.  But I’m a Taurus, it was already in my blood. :)  All I seem to have taken from that relationship is a lack of confidence in myself, though for whatever reason I don’t care about what other people think.  I care what I think.  And I am my own worst enemy.  I have no confidence and no respect for myself anymore…and with my sharp tongue, you wouldn’t want to see what goes on in my head.  Seriously.  I’ve reduced men and women to jelly with words alone…multiply by 10 or so to get my own high standards and inner dialogue.

I never healed.  The “no baggage queen” has baggage.  Yuck.  And it really has little to do with him (though I’m sure he helped some), the fact that gets me the most is that I didn’t listen to myself, and I ended up breaking an enormous promise to myself.  I don’t make commitments lightly, especially not marriage.  I can tell myself that I did what seemed best at the time, but I knew immediately that I made the wrong choice.  Just as the poor bewildered Leo, who comforted his bawling bride for a few hours.  Though I’ll be damned if pregnancy hormones didn’t make an excellent excuse when it was obvious he was clueless and very non-helpful.

That’s where I’m at, sitting at the bottom of the barrel looking at a tiny piece of sky.  I have an excellent chance to start fresh, to live my life…if I can just get out of my own way for a minute.  Have I mentioned that I hate the 20s?  But I’m not ready for 30…there are too many things I wanted to do before then, and I’m not so sure I can handle hitting another milestone with my life in rubble.  I went years without dreams, now that I have them back, I’m not letting go.  I just need to figure out how to go from the bottom of this barrel out into the fresh air and sunshine.

Image by giveawayboy via Flickr

Now that summer has finally sort of hit New England, I’ve spent the past few days outside and visiting friends.  Little Princess and I went to see my friend J and welcome Mom#2 back for a bit.  J’s sister C was there too, so we had a full house and several kids…okay, four.  Little Princess, A, V, and little JB all had a grand time, though little JB was a bit perturbed with all the commotion after awhile.  That was Saturday.

Sunday was a gorgeous day and we all went to the lake.  All of the adults were aiming for some sun, since we haven’t had a decent shot of it all “summer”.  Little Princess had a blast, since she doesn’t get to see other little people very often.

Little Princess hamming it up for the camera.

The poor child is quite isolated here in the middle of nowhere, but I don’t have to worry about her going outside to play.  I could take a nap and she’d be perfectly safe.  So its a bit of a trade off.

 Yes she was that cold, and didn’t want to come out of the water.

I quite enjoyed relaxing on the edge of the lake with the sun on me.  I took a bunch of photos, including ones of the lake itself.  It was a fun day.  When we got home I set up Little Princess’ wading pool for the first time all year.  Poor dear hasn’t been able to use it up until now!

Today Little Princess was taken by Aunt Kristen for some niece/aunt bonding time.  Well, and so Aunt Kristen can get her housework done!  Yup, my 6y/o Little Princess is a babysitter for her baby cousin, Gremlin.  He’s starting to get into everything, and its easier when Little Princess is around, for obvious reasons.

I’ve also figured out that I really need to figure out how to achieve my own dreams, instead of reading/watching other people achieve them.  I have big dreams, and I’m not achieving anything…or I take micro-baby steps, but can’t see where it ends up.  I need to work out some sort of plan, so I can stop spinning my wheels and get things straightened out.  Superwoman needs a new cape!  I can do it all, I know I can.  Nothing I want is out of reach, I’m just too focused on the big picture.  Need to break it down into baby steps.

A beautiful picture from our day at the lake:

Kind of inspirational, I think. :)

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My back is still bothering me, and its still screwing with everything.  It hurts and I’m getting cranky.  I have near constant headaches due to this stupid nerve, and if I thought I could get away with one less nerve in my back (and could actually reach said nerve) it would be gone.

I have come to a decision lately, and that is that I’m living my life my way, and I really just don’t care what anyone else says or thinks anymore.  I’ve listened to everyone all my life, and I’m done.  All its ever done was make me miserable.

Part of what brought this on was the fact that I am really, really angry at myself.  I feel like I failed.  I’m not the woman I wanted to be at 26, I’m not the mother, I’m not anything.  I’ve listened to others, done the “right thing”, let honor, duty and responsibility rule my life.  Well no more.  Society can be damned too.  I’m the only one who can fix the issues I have, and the only one who can stop being angry at myself.  I’m the only person I have to deal with day in and day out, so what I say now goes.

I’m doing the best I can with what I have.  Society needs to allow mother to be a viable job, seriously.  That IS my job, and I get to be daddy as well.  There’s two full time jobs.  Then housekeeper, cook…no wonder the pressure is starting to get to me.  I’m it, for better or worse, and I’m doing the best I can.  Unfortunately for my ex, I just got a child support order in the mail.  Now I have to warn him, and forward the stupid thing to him.  Oh well, I can’t coddle him anymore.  Signed up for unemployment too, just to tide me over a bit and help out.  I have $10 to my name and bills to pay.  I hate being broke.  I hate welfare.  I hate it all.  This isn’t where I wanted to be…so its my task to change it.

One step at a time…

Image by zedzap via Flickr

My back is killing me.  And now its interfering with my life.  I have dishes to do, they’ve been piling up for days now.  But between the pinched nerve in my upper back and the normal lower back issues, they haven’t been done.  And neither has anything else.

Little Princess is safely ensconced in the living room, watching Twister, and freaking out over EVERY twister.  So she’s built herself the grandest blanket hidey hole ever.  Of course she is using my books to hold up said blankets, which is very much against the rules.

Poor dear didn’t end up with the breakfast we were going to have, since I woke up late, and then barely could get out of bed all day.  Not going to make it now when its time to start thinking about supper.  Little Princess is making deals for dinner, she wants soup, and apparently I can have pizza.  This is after I found my old debit card and medical card in her wallet, along with some cash of mine.  The funny thing is she tattled on herself!  “Momma, I think I have some cards of yours…” and there was the debit card I thought I either lost or was stolen.  Little twerp.

Still have to do the dishes, especially before supper tonight.  A shower might be beneficial as well…soak the sore, swollen bits.  My shoulders folks.